What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 01:43
He resisted the act ,that day.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
What did i know ?
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was in good health!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
This is soul school!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My family never makes their pension either.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
How good do you sing and how do you know this?
My life is so biszare .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I write beautiful poetry .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Are there many people here who suffer from schizophrenia?
So, i spoilt her more .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
Comes on , in middle age.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
All the time i was locked up.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He knew the spot.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Especially a lifetime of it.
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We were not on the streets..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I said to her
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I think the readers, may guess!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im still living with it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One cannot live in the past .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I could never make a relationship work though!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I never cut or harmed myself..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Would this be the day?
But it wasn’t much.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And i lived it daily.
I will be 64.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Ive learnt so much.
Put me off passion for life!!
It was going to be , some day.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was very sick at this time too.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was 9 years of age.
I waited trembling.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So whats the point in blame.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But, we were locked up after school.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was scared of men, in general
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
When she asked me how she looked .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She married twice! .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She wouldn,t have been !
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She loved him until the end.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I don,t even have a pension.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We all went to grammer schools
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She found it foreign!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I have no regrets .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was seconnd youngest,
Was to survive, this bastard.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.